I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
