I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
