just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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