my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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