Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
