It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
