New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
