Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
