first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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