WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Be still, my beating vagina.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Randomize
