PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
