my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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