i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
