i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
