I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize