come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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