Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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