you guys were way drunker than both of me
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
