So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Randomize
