Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
