For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
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