question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
