You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
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She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
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