you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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