don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
