i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
