My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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