she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
you didnt know i had herpes?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
