thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
