I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
