Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
