When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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