the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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