I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
My life is pants optional.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
