Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
