shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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