oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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