I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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