Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
