I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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