I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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