I should be sponsored by Trojan
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
