there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
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