i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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