No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
