An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
