You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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