It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
