I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
porn star boner night. come get it.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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