I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
