His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
