I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
