I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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