Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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