Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize