How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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